A Short Time Ago in a Library in Orem…

“There’s a STAR WARS COOKBOOK? In the library? NO WAY.” That was how it all begin, guys. Just a crazy random Star Wars-nerdery-inspired library catalog search that turned into my discovery of one of my favorite library books I have ever checked out.

This book really has it all. If hearing the title–The Star Wars Cookbook: Wookiee Cookies and Other Galactic Recipes–does not immediately cause bodily fluids to fall from your eyes and/or mouth in hope and anticipation, just wait because inside these cheerfully colorful, futuristically metallic, sensibly coil-bound pages are 1) simple, easy, delightful, tasty recipes with 2) the cutest, cheesiest, nerdiest titles, and 3) awesome food/Star Wars action figure photography that may provoke the thought, “I finally found my true calling in life! Now how exactly does one become a Star Wars action figure/food photographer?”

Within a few minutes of eye-gorging myself on the pages, a problem became clear. I could not decide which recipe to make. How could I pick between Boba Fett-uccine, Hoth Chocolate, Obi-Wan Kebabs, and Yoda Soda? Even worse/better, all the recipes are so simple and we already had 90% of the ingredients for everything and such was the power of the beautiful Star Wars action figure food photography/the Force that I wanted to cook and eat it all immediately now. I searched my feelings and finally just turned the book over to Matthew, who went with the very sensible, hilarious, and rather healthy “Greedo’s Burritos,” which, much like Greedo himself, had nothing clever or unnecessary to add to the fairly basic recipe. (A fairly uncommon occurrence, judging by the next page, Han-Burgers, which includes this delightful description: “Han Solo is generally right-handed, but is known to fire a ketchup blaster with his left hand. Condiments always taste better when blasted onto one’s own food.”)

I have obligingly added Greedo’s comments in parentheses.

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Greedo’s Burritos from The Star Wars Cookbook: Wookiee Cookies and Other Galactic Recipes by Robin Davis

Ingredients:
1 can (14 oz) black beans
1 cup grated Monterey Jack cheese
½ head iceberg lettuce
1 tomato
1 tablespoon olive oil or vegetable oil
1 ½ pounds lean ground beef
4 flour tortillas, each about 10 inches in diameter
½ cup sliced black olives
(A blaster, to shoot Han)

1. Get an adult to help you with this recipe. (No, not Han.)

(I should note here that this book assumes that you are a child–why, I can’t imagine. There is an entire section addressing “young Jedis” and telling them to be careful about heat and knives and such. However, it is surprisingly light on warning them about the dangerous, addictive, corruptive nature of Darth Vader Dark Chocolate Sundaes.)

2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
(2.5. SHOOT HAN.)
3. Open the can of beans and drain the liquid into the sink. Set aside.
4. Put the iceberg lettuce on the cutting board cut side down. Cut the lettuce from top to bottom in narrow slices. Now cut across the slices, again in narrow strips. Set aside.
(4.5. Did you shoot Han? Did you set aside your blaster? Did you set aside your brain? Check and make sure you still have both your blaster and brain.)
5. Put the tomato on the cutting board. Cut out the green stem. Then cut the tomato in half from the top to the bottom. Holding a tomato half cut side down, slice it crosswise about ½-inch thick. Now cut the slices into little cubes. Set aside.
6. Put the oil in a skillet. Put the skillet on the stove and switch on the heat to medium high. When the oil is hot, carefully add the beef. Cook, stirring often, until browned, about 15 minutes.
(6.5. When the oil is really hot, throw it Han and run–if you want to live.)
7. Wrap the tortillas in aluminum foil and place in the oven to heat, about 5 to 10 minutes.
8. Meanwhile, add the beans to the beef and continue to cook, stirring often, until the beans are heated through, about 2 minutes. Turn off the heat.
9. Using pot-holders, remove tortillas from the oven. Place a tortilla on a plate. Spoon one-fourth of the beef mixture onto the tortilla. Sprinkle with one-fourth of the cheese. Top with one-fourth each of the olives, the tomato, and the lettuce. Roll up the tortilla around the filling.
10. Repeat step 9 until all the ingredients are used up (or Han shoots, whichever happens first) (hint: Han will shoot first).

Makes 4 burritos (and a mess, but don’t worry, you won’t be the one cleaning it up).

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