Smooching. Snogging. Making out. Playing tonsil hockey. No matter what you call it, kissing is a fairly universal human activity. The movies have provided us with some pretty great inspiration with on-screen smooches, but as in real life, not every film kiss is a good one. Some are too energetic, some are between characters who just shouldn’t be together, ever, for any reason. Some are soggy and some sound so gross. Last month we gave you a list of some favorite silver screen kisses. This month we’re treating you to some that we would rather not witness, or even think about, ever again. Still, you should come check out the movies and just avert your eyes for the icky kissing.
Persuasion: I love Persuasion. It’s my favorite Jane Austen novel, but this adaptation just doesn’t do it. That kiss is supposed to be the pinnacle of an 8-year separation from the only man Anne Elliot has ever loved. This is not a time to be thinking of fish, but somehow that is what Anne resembles most as Wentworth leans in. Just weird and unfortunate.
A Room With a View: Daniel Day-Lewis made my Best Movie Kisses list, too. It says something about an actor when he can convince you that he’s both the super-hot, alpha male Hawkeye, and the most awkward Victorian ever to have graced an E.M. Forster story. Lucy Churchill is trying so hard to make good, respectable choices that she nearly makes the most terrible choice of all, to marry the passionless Cecil Vyse. Such a terrible kiss can’t help but turn her right.
She’s the Man: Not the kisses between Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum – those are fine. In this case, the worst kiss award goes to Eunice and Toby. Caught up in the spirit of …umm…revelation… run rampant at the soccer match between Illyria and Cornwall, side character Toby tells awkward girl Eunice that he thinks she’s amazing. “I know tricks,” she responds, and then they launch themselves at each other’s faces, impervious to headgear.
Vertical Limit: In the words of my esteemed colleague–”No one will probably even remember but that kiss at the end of Vertical Limit– What the…?! Dumb. Twenty years later it still astounds me that they’d even think to kiss then. Did they even like each other? Ha, ha. Now you’ll have to watch it.” I don’t know. They say adrenaline is conducive to romance.
Spider-man: That upside down kiss between Toby Maguire as Spidey and Kirsten Dunst as MaryJane shows up on best kiss lists, but it just seems awkward to me. Too much chin. Once again, I think maybe movie directors take the whole “adrenaline-makes-you-lusty” thing a touch too far. If I’m thirty seconds out of having my safety and well-being threatened by thugs, I don’t care how super hero-y you are, I don’t want to make out.
Dumb and Dumber: There is a sweet spot between disengaged and overly enthusiastic when snogging, but Jim Carrey way overshoots it here–right into the realm of potential suffocation and chronic neck pain. Down, boy.
The Empire Strikes Back: What’s worse than being kissed for the sole purpose of making your rival jealous? Finding out the kisser was your sibling. Gross, Mr. Lucas.
Attack of the Clones: The Star Wars Universe has a hard time getting the romance right. I haven’t seen this movie, but when I asked my colleague to help me out with this list, she suggested this one. The conversation went like this:
Me: Will you write me a short annotation so I can put it on the list?
Ruth: I could, but then I’d probably have to watch it again.
Then she proceeded to look up all the bad Anakin/Padma makeouts on YouTube. They are as unfortunate as she said they would be. Also, did the Empire not have laws against inappropriate relationships with minors? Repeat after me, Padma: Jailbait. Jail. Bait. Your leading man should look and sound like a man. Oh Star Wars, if the closest thing to tall, dark and handsome you have is Chewbacca, you’re doing it wrong.
Eclipse: How difficult is it to choose just one bad kiss from the Twilight universe? We will take the challenge. Part 2. Jacob overhears a conversation confirming Bella’s love for Edward. In his anger, he’s ready to fling caution to the wind and go do risky stuff (there’s that adrenaline again), but Bella, still torn between two lovers, begs him not to go. Or, more like commands him to “stay!” and it sounds a lot like the way you would call your dog…oh, wait. I get it. But it kinda makes it that much more awkward when she also commands him to kiss her, which is not something you should do with your dog, and have you noticed that Bella is demanding kisses from all her suitors? Good heavens. This whole thing is just so messed up. I would have liked Twilight better if the vampire and the werewolf had both given up on the messed-up human chick and ended up drinking buddies, commiserating over craft beers in a gloomy northwest bar.
Back to the Future: If you think kissing your sister is bad…